No, Seriously; Tom Zarek was Frakking Right

>> Thursday, October 29, 2009

And here we are. I'm sitting in a cave with sixteen other people, because our "all terrain portable shelter" blew away in the last windstorm. Who could have guessed that this planet would have areas that had both pleasant summers AND cold, nasty winters? It's not even really winter yet, and I don't want to think about how cold it's going to get in a couple of months. Fortunately, our cave is nice and roomy; we located it back when there were still thirty-five survivors in our group. This'll have to be short, because I'm scribbling it out with the nub of our last pencil. It turns out that you can't actually recharge a laptop in a bonfire.

Like Steve, our "community organizer" said, it was going be a great adventure! I'm guessing Steve thought it was one hell of a great adventure when we were sawing off his foot without anesthetic because we ran out of antibiotics. On the upside, though, we now know that the cliche "you don't have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than Steve," is actually true.

Oh yes, and these "native humans" that we're apparently supposed to be living and breeding with? Problem #1: The smell. Problem #2: The tendency towards anger, violence, and cannibalism. I'll concede, though that I was kind of cheering for the subhuman cannibals when Leoben, our "Human-Cylon Friendship Liason" decided to go and make "friends" with the local tribe. Although I don't have first hand experience, I'm guessing that "taste of raw flesh" is another area in which humans and cylons are indistinguishable.

How do I know that it wouldn't have been this bad if we'd followed Tom Zarek? Because it's literally impossible for it to have been any worse than this. That's a scientific and mathematical truth; I proved it on this cave wall, which I can't show you because the fire is just as effective at recharging my camera phone as it is with my laptop. But really, who needs the mathematical proof? Is there anyone who still believes we're better off for following Roslin-Adama? For one, Tom Zarek didn't take hallucinogenic medications. For another, he didn't take important policy advice from what was apparently a collective figment of the senior leadership's imagination. Tom Zarek wouldn't have decided to just land on a random planet and call it "Earth," and he sure as hell wouldn't have decided to disperse the entire population, sans microwave, to the furthest ends of said planet. And Tom Zarek would not have given the most advanced ship in our fleet to the Cylons. Who's to say that they won't change their mind and come back here and kill us all? We drove our entire fleet into the Sun because somebody was afraid we'd change our minds, and then we just let the Centurions take their ship away?

And so, I want to hear from all my critics: Are you happy with this outcome? Are you pleased with the decisions of the Adama-Roslin clique? What, precisely, did you think that your crazy, hallucinating, Cylon appeasing leadership was planning to do with us? I may not have long to live; I'm number six in the "lottery", and I'm betting that we'll get to at least ten this winter, but I'd at least like the satisfaction of hearing that I was right about Roslin-Adama.

Colonial Citizen Concerned that He's Not Going to Get Enough of What the Bear Left of Steve


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